How To: Be Happy

I've had an interesting couple of weeks. Nah, months. I was talking to a dear friend, Erin, about some recent events when I utter these words: he just doesn't know how to be happy. This set off a series of thoughts I'd like to talk about.

There's two kinds of people in the world. Those who are generally happy with moments of unhappiness. And those who are generally unhappy with moments of happiness. The main difference between these two groups of people is mindset. We need to LET ourselves be happy people. Some of us need to put real work into being happy people. What sets us apart is the willingness to do the work.

What do I mean by work? I mean waking daily, telling yourself to be happy today, & faking it until you make it if you have to. One day you'll wake up & not have to fake it.

Another aspect of being happy it ridding ourselves to those things that make us unhappy & embracing those things that make us happy. This includes: people, relationships, jobs, education, junk in our homes, food, etc.

Some people are scared of the things that they know will truly help them be happy. Why is this? They don't know how to live a happy life. All they know is sitting in self, pity of self, & self loathing. The main word here being: SELF. They use others to fuel their self loathing, "proving" to themselves their own self hatred. Pushing others away instead of letting them in & then telling themselves that people "left" because they're a "bad person". The secret to finding happiness with other people is letting them in & letting them become part of your life. Learning to embrace things that can increase your happiness level, whilst learning to DECIDE to be happy every single day.

It really is a decision & learning to let ourselves be truly & utterly happy. Stop running from it.

xoxo, B.

She Gets Me

Listen carefully.

One Sweet Love

Sometimes we don't realize when someone special comes into our life. Sometimes we realize it but don't want to accept it for fear of the possibilities or lack thereof.

As humans most of us are not built to be alone. Most of us crave other humans to share with. And for the majority of us that means romantic relationships. Why is it that 99% of songs, movies, poems, books, plays, etc. are written about love & romantic entanglements? It's because romance, love, & relationships are built into our DNA. We are built for monogamy & love. We can try to reject it all we want, try to be tough & live on our own, shut out possibilities for fear of pain, but that just leads to unhappiness & strain between our head & our heart.

I've been thinking a lot about love. I've got a few friends that I bounce my thoughts & feeling off of. And here's where we've landed: WE ALL WANT LOVE. But only a few are truly willing to do what it takes. Only a few actually realize when that person walks into our lives. Only a few of those will do the WORK to make that person a permanent part of our lives.

Tonight a friend said to me, "I fear I missed my chance because I wanted something 'better'." This made me think of the song "One Sweet Love" by Miss Sara Bareilles. In this song Sara speaks of a love lost & wonder if she missed her chance & has already tasted her "one sweet love". I can't help but ache in my heart when I hear this song. I know I've felt like maybe I had my one great love in life & it's all downhill from here. I've felt like I had "the guy" & lost him & I'll never really get over him & really move on to someone I'll love second best. I don't know the answer to this. I'd like to believe that we all have multiple second chances when it comes to love. I hope so, at least for myself. Heaven knows I need more than once chance for one sweet love.

In the end, do not let fear chase you away from love & relationships. For heaven's sake! We are not made to be alone. We are made to walk the road of life is someone, even if it's just for a little while. If someone walks into your life, for the LOVE OF PETE, LET THEM IN.

May we all have multiple second chances for one sweet love.

xoxo, B.

Wise Words: His Holiness, The Dalai Lama, XIV

“To be kind, honest and have positive thoughts; to forgive those who harm us and treat everyone as a friend; to help those who are suffering and never to consider ourselves superior to anyone else: even if this advice seems rather simplistic, make the effort of seeing whether by following it you can find greater happiness.” ― Dalai Lama XIV

20 Things I've Learned From Life

My boss gave me an assignment to write 20 things I've learned from life. Here's what I came up with:

1. I've learned that, at least for me, love & loving someone is not a logical CHOICE but a matter of my heart, not my mind.
2. I've learned that blood is NOT thicker than water.
3. I've learned that everyone makes mistakes, deserves multiple second chances, & cannot be judged for "sinning" different that others.
4. I've learned that people don't "change", they simple grow & decide to suppress different sections of their personality.
5. I've learned that attitude is everything.
6. I've learned that "fate" only take you so far. It's up to you to make it happen.
7. I've learned that expectation is the root of all heartache.
8. I've learned that the hardest thing & the right thing are the same thing.
9. I've learned that hope is faith in action.
10. I've learned that Plan-B is much better than Plan-A.
11. I've learned that you can love someone with all you have & it still may not be enough.
12. I've learned that you have to pick the weeds & keep the flowers.
13. I've learned that it's only a mistake if you don't learn from it & let it help you become a better person.
14. I've learned to follow my gut instead of overanalyzing every possible outcome.
15. I've learned to let it be.
16. I've learned that miracles happen every day, we usually are too busy to see them.
17. I've learned that redemption is the greatest gift given to humanity but it takes painful amounts of work to receive.
18. I've learned that you have to be okay by yourself before you can be okay with someone else.
19. I've learned that music is the most powerfully healing art God has given us.
20. I've learned that crying in the shower is the best form of self-therapy.

What has life taught you?

xoxo, B.

A Culture of Sexual Assault

I sat on campus having dinner with my roommate today. I was telling her of a discussion I had in my Psychology of Gender class about sexual assault & predatory men. If you go with the definition of "Sexual assault is an assault of a sexual nature on another person, or any sexual act committed without consent", she & I have both been sexually assaulted. Multiple times by multiple men. Without getting into detail, both of us experienced much more than a simple butt-grab to boob-graze by a stranger. 

One in three women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime. One half in college. Within the United States, about 300,000 women are raped each year and 3.7 million women are subjected to other forms of unwanted sexual activity. More often than not it's not a creep jumping out from behind the bushes. It's the neighbor, the boyfriend, the first date, the friend of a friend. Sadly enough, most of these guys don't realize what they're doing. 

In Guyland, I read this horrific statistic: "between 16 percent and 20 percent of the male respondents said they would commit rape if they could be certain of getting away with it... when Malamuth changed the 

word 'rape' to 'force a woman to have sex' between 36 percent and 44 percent said they would..."

Also in Guyland, author Michael Kimmel describes women as the gatekeepers of sex & men as the gatekeepers of intimacy. The difference is that women use sexuality with men to get faux intimacy from men. Thus, we allow sexual actions that may not even fit with our standards in order to feel like we're being intimate. And men use sexual actions as power. Society as taught us to accept this & actually promote it.

We're so over-sexualized that we don't know which way is up, what's right & what's wrong, what's assault & what's not. 

Next time you're in a room with 3 women, realize that at least one, if not more, have been assaulted sexually. If that doesn't shake you, nothing will.

xoxo, B.

The Gift of Redemption

redemption 

c.1340, "deliverance from sin," from L. redemptionem (nom.redemptio) "a buying back, releasing, ransoming," fromredemptus, pp. of redimere "to redeem, buy back," from re-"back" + emere "to take, buy, gain, procure"

I've been thinking a lot about the term "redemption" lately. We all know & have experienced forgiveness, whether by giving it or getting it. But redemption is much deeper than forgiveness. Redemption means a price is paid in order to obtain forgiveness. We often expect forgiveness instead of redemption. But redemption is actually what we need.

Redemption takes work. We cannot receive redemption for our mistakes & sins without paying a price, most likely an emotional & mental price. Redemption is hard to obtain, only in the way in which the work required in hard. But the difference between redemption & forgiveness is that redemption is forever. Once we obtain redemption, we keep it, as so long as we continue on our path. Forgiveness is something we continually need. Redemption in an earned privilege. 

We, as humans, run away from anything that's hard or scary. As such, we run from the price we need to pay in order to obtain redemption. The work required may be overwhelming if we look at the big picture. The key to redemption is small changes over time. Take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Over time those changes take root & we emerge as a completely different, changed, redeemed human being. 

The truth is, we all need redemption. And we all qualify for it. If we do the work, pay the price, & make the change, we receive redemption. And isn't that a beautiful promise?

xoxo, B.